After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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