I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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