If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
