based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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