I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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