i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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