the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
