M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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