Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
