this beer tastes like vomit already
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
