So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
