well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
