this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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