That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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