I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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