He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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