i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
