I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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