i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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