drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
