last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I showed him my bush... on skype.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
