What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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