My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
