This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
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