I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
