You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
