shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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