I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
