Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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