I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
