i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize