shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
