I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize