I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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