Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
