Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
