this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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