hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
