gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
