actually, I'm a sock model
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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