It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
