Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
