gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
