You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
