I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize