Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
