PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
