The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
we should paint friendship bongs
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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