my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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