It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
