Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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