How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am spending my child support on dildos
you traded sex for a burrito?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
