girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Two words: blizzard sex
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
