if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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