the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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