....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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