There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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