walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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