I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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